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So I got arrested for shoplifting, and they called my parents down to the police station. My parents are divorced so they kinda sorta really want to shoot each other.
So my mom goes off on my dad "IT'S YOUR PARENTING AND YOUR FAMILY THAT HAS INFULCENCED HIM TO SHOP LIFT. IT'S YOUR PARENTING THAT IS THE REASON HE IS IN THIS MESS!"
We watch the video
I take nothing, but my friends do. I tried to tell them to put it back.
He turns to my mom, "It was my parenting, that's why he lives with me."
My mom is a junior high school principle (grades 7 to 9). Our house got egged one year, by a large mob on halloween. There were boxes of eggs left behind when they ran away. The incredibly intelligent people who orchestrated it had explicitly written "dude's name's eggs" on their boxes. Long story short, my mom called their parents in the morning and they made them come over and wash all our house and pick up all the eggs. They spent like ~4 hours at it. Greatest morning ever.
This one time, my cat came in with a tick on his belly. I tried to pull it off but it had a really firm grip. My cat didn't care much, he just nuzzled me as I pulled on the tick.
After 2 minutes with no luck dislodging the thing, I clear the hair away and look.
It was his nipple. He nuzzled me as I tried to tear off his nipple.
My cat is a pain slut.
Until halfway thru 2nd grade, my parents and teachers thought I was a bit special and uncoordinated. And then one day in class there were no 'normal' scissors left for me to use, leaving me with the 'leftie' ones.
BAM, STRAIGHT LINES, BITCH.
We have one office in Mexico with a half dozen spanish-only users. Usually a manager who also speaks English can assist us in tech support, and the users know enough to enable remote support and usually enough English to describe a problem.
I had this amusing exchange over instant message:
Mexican user: No print.
I attempted to fix the problem and replied:
Me: Print? :-)
Her: Print :-(
I tried another fix and asked
Me: Print? :-)
Her: Print :-(
Me: Print? :-)
Her: Print! :-) Gracias!
My boss just got a new laptop, and insists on complaining about everything about it.....it's different and therefore must be bad, don't ya know!
He calls me into the office to complain that the mouse is "jittery". I use the mouse and it seems to be working perfectly. I take the mouse to my computer, where it once again is working perfectly.
So I wipe it down with a wet wipe and make it look as good as new. I put it in a random baggie, walk back into his office and act like I'm installing a brand new mouse.
A few minutes later....
Me: "How is it working for you now?"
Him: "Much better, thank you...."
My 3 year old son was playing in front of me while I was watching a football game. In one quick motion he jumps up and down "racking" himself on our ottoman by accident. He then just sits there with this confused look on his like he doesn't know how to react this. Then the pain sets in from what I could tell. He just starts crying and jumps in my lap wanting me to fix it. I calmed him down and told him that you should ask mommy to kiss it better and she will. My wife is in the bedroom reading while this happened, so the little guy runs into the bedroom drops his pants down and shoves his junk into my wife's face saying "kiss it!" The horrid look that I got from her was priceless.
I once found a dumpster full of porn when I was 12. I ran home, grabbed a backpack and filled it with as much dumpster porn as I could. I made ten trips in total before a cop rolled by and asked me what I was doing. He let me go after he saw what was in the dumpster but not before I had gathered a treasure trove. I was the neighborhood hero and a god amongst young boys as I became the porn baron.
We visited St. Petersburg Russia a few years ago with a large group. The morning we were leaving, we had a chartered bus to take us to the airport.
A car came up alongside of the bus and did a "cut off" similar to this video. The bus driver accelerated, cut off the car, forced it to the side of the road, and stopped.
The bus driver got out, walked over to the car, punched the driver through the window, TWICE, got back in the bus, and drove to the airport.
when I was a senior in high school. I was on the football team, which basically meant that I got to practice and put on the uniform, but never actually played in a game. Then the final game of senior year happened. We were up by 24 in the fourth quarter and the game was already in hand, when coach called out my name. He called a running play and I guess coordinated with the opposing team to let me score. I took the handoff and ran 38 yards for a touchdown as the people in the stands went crazy and the opposing team clapped. A reporter from the local news station was there and interviewed me and my parents.
It was the best moment of my life but also bittersweet because it was the day I found out that everyone at school thought I was retarded. So that was a little deflating.